Today my pastor talked about emptying ourselves so that we may be filled. About how we can't manufacture our own transformation. About waiting. All things that seemed to cut right to the heart of my struggles. I just wanted to weep and weep. I did so a bit, actually. I feel hollowed out. He said that to not have anything left means I'm ready to be filled by something that I don't yet know. That is somewhat terrifying. And yet hopeful. Like Advent. I am instructed to sit, without expectations, in my naked vulnerability. Empty. Waiting.
It reminds me of Aaron Niequist's song:
My life is cracked in ways
that I don't understand,
And there are holes inside I never planned.
But this roller coaster,
Is how you pull me closer.
And I trust that You are who You made me for.
And I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting;
I will stay empty,
Until you fill me up and I
I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting,
Until You fill me up with You.
Send Your floods to help me
clean out my heart's space,
Please come quickly, it's so hard to wait.
This world is temporary,
I cry for sanctuary!
And throw myself into the strongest arms of Hope
It may come soon,
And maybe it won't.
I want to run
But I know You don't.
I give You my heart,
And trust You in faith.
And cling to the blessings
I anticipate!
I guess my challenge right now is to ask myself what needs to go in order for something else to come and fill me? And to keep waiting. The light is coming. It will break through the darkness this Advent season. And maybe through the darkness in my heart sometime soon as well.
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