And I'm back...

I'm back at home and back at work. Vacation is over. Sigh. There's something comforting about routine but it's also a bit melancholy. That cute sign was in my office and I had a bunch of packages from Amazon containing gifts that I ordered last week so opening those and anticipating the joy of my people that will receive the gifts was quite fun! And Secret Santa at work has begun so that was pretty cool too!

I have had less time to think and be still so my blogging habits might be a little bit intermittent for the remainder of Advent, but I want to try to stay somewhat invested in writing what I'm experiencing and thinking over the next few weeks. Today, however, I don't have anything especially profound share so I'll just say that it's been a busy day and I'm super tired. And happy to be sleeping in my own bed again!

Timing

Today my reading said that God's timing is perfect. Huh. It doesn't feel perfect on this end. There is that whole image of a tapestry that is being woven together to show a beautiful pattern but we can only see the other side, the one with all the messy thread and knots. Can I still believe there is a beautiful pattern on the other side? After looking at the messy side for so long? 

I can see the beauty and intricacy of creation and believe there is a plan. A big picture plan. But is there one specifically for me? Is it just not what I want? How do I make peace with a plan that leaves me alone? So many questions. No clear answers. All in due time? 

What is it about Advent?

What is it about advent that makes me want to record what I'm thinking? Is it that I'm on vacation when it begins and thus have more time to think and ponder and write? I wrote consistently up until day 15 last year. Will I make it all the way through this year? I would like to try but I am not sure I'll have something to say each day. I guess an attempt is better than none at all.

So far my readings from the little advent book my church gave out have shaken me a bit. The questions we are to journal about cut right to the core. I actually feel slightly angry as we enter this season of waiting. I know I'm supposed to feel anticipation but I just don't. I am sick of waiting. I feel like waiting has been my whole life and I'm tired. I don't know if I believe that there is something worthwhile at the end of all of the waiting. I'm hoping that if I see this season through and am honest and open that maybe I'll find the joy I'm meant to experience.

I suppose I know what advent is about. Literally. But what does it mean today for me? What do I do with it? What will I focus on? What am I supposed to learn through it all? I guess I will have to wait and see.