Advent 2015: Days 7-10

Well, I've missed a few days of writing here. Partly because I just got really busy, but also partly because darkness suddenly and swiftly overwhelmed me. When life feels hopeless, how do we find and hold on to hope? The answer to that question is what I'm chasing these days.

Advent 2015: Day 6

Today my pastor talked about emptying ourselves so that we may be filled. About how we can't manufacture our own transformation. About waiting. All things that seemed to cut right to the heart of my struggles. I just wanted to weep and weep. I did so a bit, actually. I feel hollowed out. He said that to not have anything left means I'm ready to be filled by something that I don't yet know. That is somewhat terrifying. And yet hopeful. Like Advent. I am instructed to sit, without expectations, in my naked vulnerability. Empty. Waiting.

It reminds me of Aaron Niequist's song:

My life is cracked in ways
that I don't understand,
And there are holes inside I never planned.
But this roller coaster,
Is how you pull me closer.
And I trust that You are who You made me for.

And I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting;
I will stay empty,
Until you fill me up and I
I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting,
Until You fill me up with You.

Send Your floods to help me
clean out my heart's space,
Please come quickly, it's so hard to wait.
This world is temporary,
I cry for sanctuary!
And throw myself into the strongest arms of Hope

It may come soon,
And maybe it won't.
I want to run
But I know You don't.
I give You my heart,
And trust You in faith.
And cling to the blessings
I anticipate!

I guess my challenge right now is to ask myself what needs to go in order for something else to come and fill me? And to keep waiting. The light is coming. It will break through the darkness this Advent season. And maybe through the darkness in my heart sometime soon as well.

Advent 2015: Day 5

Today was mostly full of travel. I am finally home and ready to sleep in my own bed. As I prepare to ease/jump headfirst back into life's normal fast pace, I took a few minutes this evening to just sit and be quiet in the gentle glow of Christmas tree lights. There is something so calm and peaceful about those little twinkle lights. Light shining through the darkness. That is the hope that I grasp as I sit quietly and wait.

Advent 2015: Day 4

Today is my last day of vacation. It's funny because all of a sudden, usually as soon as I begin packing, I just want to be at home. I held off packing until the evening so I could just enjoy the day and be present here for as long as possible. It's almost like the opposite of anticipation. 

I didn't have any super thrilling reflections on advent today but I think that I did a pretty good job of being present. That is something that I will probably struggle with daily during this season and I'm sure it will be more difficult when I'm back to the busy-ness of life next week. But for today I enjoyed the beach, the rain, the delicious dinner with my family and my last moments of reading outside on the balcony. It is a practice that I want to make a natural part of my daily life.

Advent 2015: Day 3

Today was cloudy and a bit rainy...quite different from the sunny beauty earlier in the week. But still beautiful in it's own way. The rain brought about a slower pace with less to "do" and more time to just "be". I read a book, took a nap, sat by the pool while the warm rain sprinkled lightly down around me. I think that slowing down can sometimes be forced upon us by the weather and the fact that Advent falls during winter where I live seems about right. When the snow falls and the wind blows arctic air, it's easier to want to stay inside, slowing down by choice and occasionally by necessity. Regardless of the weather, I hope to make the choice to be rather than do more often than not this season.

Advent 2015: Day 2

Sometimes I wonder why certain things are in the Bible. Not just whole stories (especially the ones where it seems like war and killing are ok with God, or maybe even encouraged...what???) but certain words or phrases. Now, I'm not someone who has studied the Bible or the history and culture of the day, but I do find it interesting to think that the Bible is God's word and things are not just accidentally thrown in it!

My friends are memorizing the Christmas story with their kids this Advent season and since it's just a really great idea I asked if I could be a copycat! The verse for today is this: "(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.)" -Luke 2:2

What??? Who cares??? Why would this be added, even just as a side note? It was even totally in parentheses in the passage! Like, "oh, by the way..." The somewhat exasperating thing about me is that I don't actually care enough to do the research. Or even think about it for longer than a minute or two. And, honestly, I don't even need the answer. The questions are enough for me to ponder.

I think questioning is important. But getting all the answers just right is maybe less so? What are we really supposed to learn from what we read in the Bible? The facts? The gist? Somewhere in between? There are probably many people who have spent a lot of time studying that particular verse in Luke and perhaps have answers to my questions about its purpose and importance in the story. But there are likely many other verses or stories that just cannot be explained very easily or are the source of much controversy among Bible scholars. How should we read the Bible? Can we just take what we like and ignore the parts we don't understand or agree with? Why would I take the time to actually memorize this verse if it makes no sense at all to me? Do I have to figure out it's meaning in order to determine it's importance?

I guess what this ultimately said to me today was that there always is a reason, even if I don't understand, for what is in the Bible. And it's ok to not understand why in each case. Even the truly perplexing ones. Seeking after God's truth and listening for His voice as I read the Bible is enough at this moment. The answers may come or they may not. But I can choose to be faithful and content with either scenario.

Advent 2015: Day 1

Today is the first day of Advent. I'd like to attempt to be more intentional this season. To really make time to soak in the actual truth of what it means to prepare the way for the birth of that tiny baby that came to save the world. One way of doing that is to take time to think a bit each day and write down some of what I'm discovering. My daily reading this morning had some interesting imagery about Advent that I really liked. I'm borrowing some of those words for today's post.

"What is coming upon the world is the Light of the World. It is Christ. That is the comfort of it. The challenge of it is that it has not come yet. Only the hope for it has come, only the longing for it. In the meantime we are in the dark, and the dark, God knows, is also in us. We watch and wait for a holiness to heal us and hallow us, to liberate us from the dark. Advent is like the hush in a theater just before the curtain rises. It is like the hazy ring around the winter moon that means the coming of snow which will turn the night to silver. Soon. But for the time being, our time, darkness is where we are." - Frederick Buechner, Listening to Your Life

I know that it says that the challenge is in the waiting, and I think that is true. But, also, I find that there is some comfort in the words, "But for the time being, our time, darkness is where we are." It shows me that I'm not alone in this waiting. In the darkness. The Light is coming and because I'm in the dark, I look forward to it all the more. Also, the hush in the theater and the hazy ring around the winter moon are not scary images, but sort of beautiful and mysterious ones. That is Advent. There is beauty and mystery in the waiting. In the darkness. In the anticipation of what is to come.