And I'm back...

I'm back at home and back at work. Vacation is over. Sigh. There's something comforting about routine but it's also a bit melancholy. That cute sign was in my office and I had a bunch of packages from Amazon containing gifts that I ordered last week so opening those and anticipating the joy of my people that will receive the gifts was quite fun! And Secret Santa at work has begun so that was pretty cool too!

I have had less time to think and be still so my blogging habits might be a little bit intermittent for the remainder of Advent, but I want to try to stay somewhat invested in writing what I'm experiencing and thinking over the next few weeks. Today, however, I don't have anything especially profound share so I'll just say that it's been a busy day and I'm super tired. And happy to be sleeping in my own bed again!

Timing

Today my reading said that God's timing is perfect. Huh. It doesn't feel perfect on this end. There is that whole image of a tapestry that is being woven together to show a beautiful pattern but we can only see the other side, the one with all the messy thread and knots. Can I still believe there is a beautiful pattern on the other side? After looking at the messy side for so long? 

I can see the beauty and intricacy of creation and believe there is a plan. A big picture plan. But is there one specifically for me? Is it just not what I want? How do I make peace with a plan that leaves me alone? So many questions. No clear answers. All in due time? 

What is it about Advent?

What is it about advent that makes me want to record what I'm thinking? Is it that I'm on vacation when it begins and thus have more time to think and ponder and write? I wrote consistently up until day 15 last year. Will I make it all the way through this year? I would like to try but I am not sure I'll have something to say each day. I guess an attempt is better than none at all.

So far my readings from the little advent book my church gave out have shaken me a bit. The questions we are to journal about cut right to the core. I actually feel slightly angry as we enter this season of waiting. I know I'm supposed to feel anticipation but I just don't. I am sick of waiting. I feel like waiting has been my whole life and I'm tired. I don't know if I believe that there is something worthwhile at the end of all of the waiting. I'm hoping that if I see this season through and am honest and open that maybe I'll find the joy I'm meant to experience.

I suppose I know what advent is about. Literally. But what does it mean today for me? What do I do with it? What will I focus on? What am I supposed to learn through it all? I guess I will have to wait and see.

Advent 2015: Day 15

I was up in the middle of the night for quite a while last night. So many thoughts and fears and worries swirling in my brain. One thing that I have learned, which I try to remind myself of during those sleepless nights, is that things always seem more desperate and scary and hopeless in the dark of night. When morning comes, many of those fears fade away and even seem a bit silly. Light drives out the darkness. The worries don't always go completely away but they seem more manageable by the light of day. This season of advent is spent awaiting the light of the world who ultimately defeated the darkness once and for all. The waiting is worth it.

Advent 2015: Days 13 & 14

Peace has been a recurring theme over the past few days. The Christmas program that the kids were in yesterday told the story of the English and German soldiers who found common ground and came together on the battlefield on Christmas Eve during World War I. It is such a great example of how we are all just human at our core, living in this fallen world and trying to do what we believe is best. Even if what we each believe is best are worlds apart. It's hard for me to understand those who think war and fighting and killing is a good option ever, but I know they probably also wouldn't understand my desire for understanding and empathy and peace even when wronged. 

A song that we sang later in the service has these two verses that just get to me every time.

1. 
   
   3.  And in despair I bowed my head:
   "There is no peace on earth," I said,
   "For hate is strong and mocks the song
   Of peace on earth, good will to men."
   
   
   At this point in the song the despair feels so real and it is totally real in a sense. On this earth we will continue to struggle with hate and discord. But. Then this verse:
2. 4. Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
   "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
   The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
   With peace on earth, good will to men."
   
   
   Tears spring to my eyes every time I sing those words. There is truth in them, even as we struggle and see the world around us seemingly destroying itself. We have to live in the tension for a while longer. But the wrong shall fail and right prevail. Love has already won. Someday we will know true peace. For now I think we have to sow it where we can and keep hoping for it to grow.
   
   
   Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.
   
   

Advent 2015: Day 12

Today was full of fun with my niece and nephew. They are both full of creative energy, and energy in general! They are snugglers and randomly burst into song many times throughout the day. So full of joy and life! I think time with them was just what I needed this weekend, even though it's a little bit exhausting. I need those reminders of what it is to be carefree and full of childlike enthusiasm.

Advent 2015: Day 11

I had to break from tradition because this picture just captures the idea that I've been thinking about since yesterday. The light has begun to break through the darkness. I have had a rough week. The despair and sadness that I've felt were thick and stifling. But yesterday something began to change. I can't say what it was for certain but I was greeted with the fiery morning sky at sunrise and I began to realize that there is still beauty. I began looking for more. And kept finding it. In my family and my friendships. In Christmas songs and the twinkle lights on my tree.  If I keep my eyes and my heart open, I am able to notice that there is beauty all around me. And with that beauty I find a bit of hope. Light. On my way home last night, I saw a rainbow bursting out a vibrant sky. And then I turned a corner and saw and equally amazing sunset. All day I have been reflecting on the events and images of yesterday and am so grateful for those reminders of beauty and light and hope.