Advent 2015: Day 15

I was up in the middle of the night for quite a while last night. So many thoughts and fears and worries swirling in my brain. One thing that I have learned, which I try to remind myself of during those sleepless nights, is that things always seem more desperate and scary and hopeless in the dark of night. When morning comes, many of those fears fade away and even seem a bit silly. Light drives out the darkness. The worries don't always go completely away but they seem more manageable by the light of day. This season of advent is spent awaiting the light of the world who ultimately defeated the darkness once and for all. The waiting is worth it.

Advent 2015: Days 13 & 14

Peace has been a recurring theme over the past few days. The Christmas program that the kids were in yesterday told the story of the English and German soldiers who found common ground and came together on the battlefield on Christmas Eve during World War I. It is such a great example of how we are all just human at our core, living in this fallen world and trying to do what we believe is best. Even if what we each believe is best are worlds apart. It's hard for me to understand those who think war and fighting and killing is a good option ever, but I know they probably also wouldn't understand my desire for understanding and empathy and peace even when wronged. 

A song that we sang later in the service has these two verses that just get to me every time.

1. 
   
   3.  And in despair I bowed my head:
   "There is no peace on earth," I said,
   "For hate is strong and mocks the song
   Of peace on earth, good will to men."
   
   
   At this point in the song the despair feels so real and it is totally real in a sense. On this earth we will continue to struggle with hate and discord. But. Then this verse:
2. 4. Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
   "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
   The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
   With peace on earth, good will to men."
   
   
   Tears spring to my eyes every time I sing those words. There is truth in them, even as we struggle and see the world around us seemingly destroying itself. We have to live in the tension for a while longer. But the wrong shall fail and right prevail. Love has already won. Someday we will know true peace. For now I think we have to sow it where we can and keep hoping for it to grow.
   
   
   Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.
   
   

Advent 2015: Day 12

Today was full of fun with my niece and nephew. They are both full of creative energy, and energy in general! They are snugglers and randomly burst into song many times throughout the day. So full of joy and life! I think time with them was just what I needed this weekend, even though it's a little bit exhausting. I need those reminders of what it is to be carefree and full of childlike enthusiasm.

Advent 2015: Day 11

I had to break from tradition because this picture just captures the idea that I've been thinking about since yesterday. The light has begun to break through the darkness. I have had a rough week. The despair and sadness that I've felt were thick and stifling. But yesterday something began to change. I can't say what it was for certain but I was greeted with the fiery morning sky at sunrise and I began to realize that there is still beauty. I began looking for more. And kept finding it. In my family and my friendships. In Christmas songs and the twinkle lights on my tree.  If I keep my eyes and my heart open, I am able to notice that there is beauty all around me. And with that beauty I find a bit of hope. Light. On my way home last night, I saw a rainbow bursting out a vibrant sky. And then I turned a corner and saw and equally amazing sunset. All day I have been reflecting on the events and images of yesterday and am so grateful for those reminders of beauty and light and hope.

Advent 2015: Days 7-10

Well, I've missed a few days of writing here. Partly because I just got really busy, but also partly because darkness suddenly and swiftly overwhelmed me. When life feels hopeless, how do we find and hold on to hope? The answer to that question is what I'm chasing these days.

Advent 2015: Day 6

Today my pastor talked about emptying ourselves so that we may be filled. About how we can't manufacture our own transformation. About waiting. All things that seemed to cut right to the heart of my struggles. I just wanted to weep and weep. I did so a bit, actually. I feel hollowed out. He said that to not have anything left means I'm ready to be filled by something that I don't yet know. That is somewhat terrifying. And yet hopeful. Like Advent. I am instructed to sit, without expectations, in my naked vulnerability. Empty. Waiting.

It reminds me of Aaron Niequist's song:

My life is cracked in ways
that I don't understand,
And there are holes inside I never planned.
But this roller coaster,
Is how you pull me closer.
And I trust that You are who You made me for.

And I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting;
I will stay empty,
Until you fill me up and I
I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting,
Until You fill me up with You.

Send Your floods to help me
clean out my heart's space,
Please come quickly, it's so hard to wait.
This world is temporary,
I cry for sanctuary!
And throw myself into the strongest arms of Hope

It may come soon,
And maybe it won't.
I want to run
But I know You don't.
I give You my heart,
And trust You in faith.
And cling to the blessings
I anticipate!

I guess my challenge right now is to ask myself what needs to go in order for something else to come and fill me? And to keep waiting. The light is coming. It will break through the darkness this Advent season. And maybe through the darkness in my heart sometime soon as well.

Advent 2015: Day 5

Today was mostly full of travel. I am finally home and ready to sleep in my own bed. As I prepare to ease/jump headfirst back into life's normal fast pace, I took a few minutes this evening to just sit and be quiet in the gentle glow of Christmas tree lights. There is something so calm and peaceful about those little twinkle lights. Light shining through the darkness. That is the hope that I grasp as I sit quietly and wait.